Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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