I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
