i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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