I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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