You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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