You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
