I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
