my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
ttyl tear gas
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Your cock deserves a montage
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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