so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
