You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
