I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize