I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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