Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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