i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i out mim tonsoeep
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