my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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