i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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