I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
