its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
