im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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