My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
