apparently the secret to your success is patron
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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