i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
