I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
