Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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