Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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