Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
