I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
