i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
