Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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