I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
