the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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