I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize