oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
