we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
