About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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