This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize