If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
