You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
