I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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