You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
