hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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