Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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