Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize