I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How external is "for external use only"?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
