Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You're so nebulous sometimes
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize