Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
