I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
