ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
