I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
