Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
