you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
