They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
