My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize