They should really pass out barf bags in church
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
