I just pynch a tree in the face
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
