Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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