Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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