Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
