Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
