Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize