U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
