Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
