Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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