I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
