no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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