I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
