Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
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