Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
