sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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