We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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