No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
