I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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